The Streamroller Of Life.

You see when you have an over-assertive partner , you will get these all the times. Argue, argue and argue.

Because they will not back down and being forceful on their very opinion . Never did listen to people's opinion with so called perfectionist syndrome . It is very hard to handle this kind of people because no matter what you do, it is always their win.

Tolerance balance between each other will eventually break, ended up one sided balance. It means that one side will have to bow down to this so called "Assertive" partner, which is basically me right now. Being buried down as if nobody is going to see me.

Despite all these, it is because I love her, I will be improving more and more to enhance our relationship for long run . Nothing is perfect. It's all up to us on how to make this relationship close to perfection.

I've started a new life .
Everything back from scratch . I wanted to fulfill the dream that I once abandoned .
So I got enrolled with TARUC . Yes , everything back to zero . Not my age though . I felt so old . But somehow , I am self consciously trying to hide my age from everyone.

Put this aside, so I'm trying to catch up to things right now . Few years gap has taken its toll on me . I have lost too much precious and loved one as well as the time . Therefore , I'll cherish this moment. No fooling around anymore . It's about serious. Not young anymore as well as my dad .
A wish that both my parent want to see is their son/daughter to be graduated from University. One of the reason why we moved to KL . Also one of the reason why I wanted to study back . I will take the certificate and show them that your SON can actually study . I want to make them proud . Yes , mum , you too . Though you are not here anymore . I believe you would be proud if I can achieve that . Don't worry , it's only the matter of time .

Few hours ago , I just witnessed an accident happened just right in front of me while I'm riding bike .
A car collided with a middle aged woman on bike . The driver went away just like that . Pity the woman who was injured badly .

Witnessing the incident .. It's just too similar with my mum's one .
If only  I was there for my mum .
If only I could save her as soon as possible , maybe the outcome won't be like these .
But everything had passed , therefore at least I should help out the poor woman in front of me .

Brought her to clinic , helped her pay the fees . And brought back her bike back to her house . That's as much I could help only . This society is already getting worse and it took away mum's life .

If only she's still here . . .

Yes , it's one whole year . Sadly , I still could not accept the fact you've left us . Mum , each time I'm writing a new post, it means I miss you so much , so much that even my heart could not handle it .

It seems like my life is lifeless .It's like I had no aim at all . Maybe ..
So , I guess I might go one more time to Singapore to get a job there . Malaysia value is dropping . Therefore , I think it's an opportunity to earn more money while I still got the energy .

Love? Let's not think about it for now . I might end up hurting someone else again . I'm not ready .
I don't usually complain..Perhaps this is the place where I will open up myself .

Time really don't wait us . Without realizing , it's been half year since you left us . We never mentioned about you anymore . But we all know, you never gonna disappear in our heart . Because you once treated us with your heart .

But Mum , I need to say sorry to you . That I couldn't keep my promise to you . That I will take care of brother and sisters.

I don't know what's going on the Yoke Wah's life right now in Singapore . But I have no problem with her as she has the capability to work independently at other country . Perhaps she got her own problems but I believe she can solves it herself . Besides she still got boyfriend and friends there . So no worry about her .

Lil bro is the most problematic right now . I don't know how to guide him to a better future . Instead , I should say I don't have the qualification to guide him since I never took care of him in the past .... After all these happened , I really realized that I'm a fucking selfish person that only care about myself. Relying on you to take care all of us . Now that you're gone , I wish I could stand in your place to teach and guide him . But I know he won't accepts that .  He's on his own now .. I know he needs someone to understand him , despite that , he's being contradicting himself by closing himself not letting someone to open up his heart.
All I can do right now is only giving him advises so that he can at least learn few of the advises .

Youngest sis is doing good too . But sometimes , I hopes that I could get closer to any of them especially this sis . Such as , asking opinions from me about her studies , friends or maybe love life? Haha . But nope , none of that will happen since I never concern about them in the past . I don't know whether it will be too late to take action now .

I'm a very passive brother . I don't take action to find them despite knowing I'm the eldest brother , I should do all these stuffs . Therefore , I did called them sometimes asking about how they're doing . Told them to ask me if they don't have enough money . There's the only things I could do as their brother . I could not step any further to their hurt . It's very disappointing when I thought of that . Such a failure brother I can be . Such broken family we had right now . The bond were broken ever since you left us . You're the only one that I have ever relied to . Maybe because of that , I've relied too much on you . I take that as granted . I'm truly sorry , Mum . I'm truly sorry that I could not keep our promise ...Even until the end , I still could not ...

Looking up at the blue vast sky , I had a lot thoughts and feelings onto it .
Sometimes , you felt relaxed looking at it . And sometimes felt sad .
No particular reasons . I just felt that way .

It's been 3 months since mum had left us . Everything just seems so fake to me . But I'm gradually accepting the fact she had really left us .Although I still miss her so much . I would think of her till I'm being scolded by my colleague for not doing my job . The more I think , the more complicated is my feeling .

The other day , my uncle brought grandparents to "问米" . Some kind of summoning ceremony . So ,uncle called me and told me that my mum really missed us .She was sorry for leaving us . And couldn't let us go . Tears started to fall over. I couldn't replied my uncle for awhile . Then uncle continued to tell me that she really died in vain . And not merely by accident. She cannot tell the truth . But she said she deserved it of what had she done in the past . It maybe fake but I chose to believe it because it may be the last message from her . I love you , Mum . If I'm given opportunity , allow me to be your good son again in next life. NO , I must be your son once again .

What will happen tomorrow?
No one knows . But that makes our life interesting , not knowing what will happen every secs , every minutes . We are trying hard to make our life much better but things don't go the way we want usually  . Obstacles all the way in your life .