The Streamroller Of Life.

Yes , it's one whole year . Sadly , I still could not accept the fact you've left us . Mum , each time I'm writing a new post, it means I miss you so much , so much that even my heart could not handle it .

It seems like my life is lifeless .It's like I had no aim at all . Maybe ..
So , I guess I might go one more time to Singapore to get a job there . Malaysia value is dropping . Therefore , I think it's an opportunity to earn more money while I still got the energy .

Love? Let's not think about it for now . I might end up hurting someone else again . I'm not ready .
I don't usually complain..Perhaps this is the place where I will open up myself .

Time really don't wait us . Without realizing , it's been half year since you left us . We never mentioned about you anymore . But we all know, you never gonna disappear in our heart . Because you once treated us with your heart .

But Mum , I need to say sorry to you . That I couldn't keep my promise to you . That I will take care of brother and sisters.

I don't know what's going on the Yoke Wah's life right now in Singapore . But I have no problem with her as she has the capability to work independently at other country . Perhaps she got her own problems but I believe she can solves it herself . Besides she still got boyfriend and friends there . So no worry about her .

Lil bro is the most problematic right now . I don't know how to guide him to a better future . Instead , I should say I don't have the qualification to guide him since I never took care of him in the past .... After all these happened , I really realized that I'm a fucking selfish person that only care about myself. Relying on you to take care all of us . Now that you're gone , I wish I could stand in your place to teach and guide him . But I know he won't accepts that .  He's on his own now .. I know he needs someone to understand him , despite that , he's being contradicting himself by closing himself not letting someone to open up his heart.
All I can do right now is only giving him advises so that he can at least learn few of the advises .

Youngest sis is doing good too . But sometimes , I hopes that I could get closer to any of them especially this sis . Such as , asking opinions from me about her studies , friends or maybe love life? Haha . But nope , none of that will happen since I never concern about them in the past . I don't know whether it will be too late to take action now .

I'm a very passive brother . I don't take action to find them despite knowing I'm the eldest brother , I should do all these stuffs . Therefore , I did called them sometimes asking about how they're doing . Told them to ask me if they don't have enough money . There's the only things I could do as their brother . I could not step any further to their hurt . It's very disappointing when I thought of that . Such a failure brother I can be . Such broken family we had right now . The bond were broken ever since you left us . You're the only one that I have ever relied to . Maybe because of that , I've relied too much on you . I take that as granted . I'm truly sorry , Mum . I'm truly sorry that I could not keep our promise ...Even until the end , I still could not ...

What will happen tomorrow?
No one knows . But that makes our life interesting , not knowing what will happen every secs , every minutes . We are trying hard to make our life much better but things don't go the way we want usually  . Obstacles all the way in your life . 

Forced myself to wake up at 7 a.m  because I gotta fetch my little sister to my aunt's house . She's currently helping my aunt to work during summer break . Good things that she's learning something  .
So yea , we grabbed the bike and then moved out from the house at 7.30 a.m . Was very cold early in the morning . Is that what mum's been thinking to herself while fetching my sister like what I did now ? I gradually starting thinking in my mum's place . Not easy . Just not easy ...

Finally "delivered" my sister to the place safely haha xD . Watched her went in then only leave . Then I looked at my phone . It's just 8 a.m . So I decided to pay mum a visit . Grabbed few fruits to visit her .
But unfortunately , I have to stop under the bridge due to the heavy rain . But that's not gonna stop me from visiting mum .  So I waited like 15 minutes and the rain still did not stop , I couldn't wait so I wore on the raincoat and went to mum's place . It is a temple . I thought the place would be a good place for mum . Peaceful and beautiful at the same time .

Went there and had a small talk with mum . Told her how good our lives are . That we can live independently . So don't worry . But I still can't stop my tears from falling down . The fact of you leaving this world was too cruel for me . I wished it's just a dream . If it is a dream , please wake me up , mum ...But that's not gonna happen . . . Everyone told me to let go already . But I told them , how could I let go my mum ? It's impossible ..

Then I continued my daily routine back , that is Work , Home , Internet , Sleep ....That's all for today .

Only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live . You never cherish for what you've got until you lost them .  Appreciate the things you have now . Be grateful .

Just came here to write out things that I won't really talked out with anyone . Being unable to talk out with friends, I can only spit it out here . A place where not really much people will pay attention at it , which makes me more comfortable to tell out everything that have happened .

My dearest mum just passed away 2 months ago . I wouldn't tell detailed story about her . Just gonna say, it's related to the last posts that I've posted here . Ever since mum left, my burden increased . I won't complain as that's how my mum been bearing all these years . Being the eldest , means being responsible to take care of the family . My siblings are still young so I need to guide them to a better road . Being eldest , also understand mum the most , of how she worked hard to take care of us all no matter how hard for a single mum can do .  Simply said , mum was too naive and kind . Mistrusted someone which caused the death of my mum .

2 months have passed . The incidents still remain vividly in my memory . I just can't imagine how hard and suffering my mum had bore for all these years . Never being able to enjoy her life , not being able to see all her sons and daughters graduate ,  work  , and married . The most regretful thing is that I will never ever have the opportunity to let me take care of her back . Mum . Thanks for taking care of me . You always thought of us no matter what you've done . I love you .