假装的镇定~却掩饰不了难过~以为这样拉扯~会找到幸福的下落...才发现不知不觉~跟丢了快乐~想着爱情该向左向右...却反而成全了寂寞...到最后谁都捉不紧绳索~也无法挣脱..在心里做个选择~感情不是对号入座~没有所谓定理规则...据晴不定的爱情不会有收获~只会把彼此变得更脆弱~让幸福一再的错过~
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Ryuji Shimizu
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Woohooo , CNY finished , back to work lu~~~
Nothing special about CNY though , for me gamble is the only thing that i did during CNY ..
Gamble gamble gamble ...until Sot . But also good geh , because I sapu my friends .. =.=" won like rm400+ ?
Haha , and so yeah , I broke up with Nii .
That's all .. Shit , feels my life is getting boring and boring . Not much incidents . Argh !!!
Posted by
Ryuji Shimizu
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Dear diary ,
Many things had happened , there's good and bad news . I'll just start from beginning . I had another accident , fortunately , I just scratched my elbow . I started to feel that , my motor ought to be serviced haha .But CNY now , many shops closed . XD
Oh ya , during Valentine day , I got new girlfriend . She's NiiNii , a pretty girl , funny and hilarious , she's talkative , somehow , I just love the way she laugh , her every actions can make me giggles every time . She cares about me , she loves me . Slowly , I am attracted by her too . I think I love her . I shall forget my past , and start a new life . Nii is a good girl . I don't want to hurt her anymore . I wanted to say to Nii .
I love you , yes only You . No one anymore . I'm sorry that I hurt you so many times , I didn't mean it ..But from now on , my heart only got you . Please give me one more chance would you?
During Chinese New Year , I gambled a lot haha . Yay ! I won a lot too . Lol , and so yeah , I am slowly loving you deeply . I just hope I won't be hurt anymore . Eh? I thought I got a lot of things to talk . lol ..But i can't think of anything to write anymore . Guess I'll just stop here. Too long is not a good thing too haha .
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Ryuji Shimizu
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There was a time in my life, a long time ago, when I felt very lonely in the world. Do you know what it is like to feel you will never beloved for who you are? To never feel truly understood? To feel that when people see you, they are not seeing the real you - and they don't even try to see the real you. It is like the real you is invisible to everyone but yourself - and everyone thinks you are somebody you are really not. To be next to a person and feel so far away. That kind of loneliness is even more lonely than being just by yourself. At least by myself, I can just be me. I can feel who I am.
I felt as if my life had no real value to anyone, and thus no value for myself. For me, this was worse than "death", because death seems a relief from loneliness. After death, I thought, there is probably nothing - and nothing is at least less painful than loneliness. For the tears of loneliness are one of the most painful experiences I have ever felt in my life. They are not tears of the body, but those of the soul.I wondered, why live when it seems so much easier to be dead? To be born into the world with so many people, and all your life feel alone.The present and the future seemed to stretch out into one long eternity. To tell you the truth, I did think of ending my life. But my heart told me, "That is against the law of nature." Were I to end my life, I think I would have only been creating more suffering for myself in the next life. But if an angel had come in those dark times and asked me if I wanted to leave this world, I would have gladly gone with her.
And that is how I knew I was in hell. If heaven is the place where you never want to leave, then hell must be the place where you always wantto leave but can't. The place worse than death. And for me, loneliness is such a place, and it is one such a hell. Always wanting to leave,but not knowing how, seeing no way out, and no one to save you. And this hell was inside me, and I carried it everywhere I went, all the time, unable to be free. If only an angel would come and deliver me, for I did not know how to deliver myself.
But such an angel never came. Nobody came. Nobody came to save me.Nobody came to understand. The only person in the world, it seemed, was me. I was all alone, as it had always been, and seemed it always would be.
And in this darkness, I saw the only way out into the light… love. Love can save you. Love is the only way out of hell. Not someone loving you,because you can never expect anybody to love you. But you loving someone else. If no one loves you, at least you can love someone else.Love, without expecting love in return. There are others who are suffering in the hell of loneliness - love them so they need not suffer as you have suffered. Live so that others need not experience the hell you have experienced. A gentle eye, a kind word, a helping hand, a patient ear, a generous smile… these are the free acts of love you can give to ease the suffering of others. These acts of love take away loneliness - both their loneliness and yours. And they add to love -both theirs and yours.
I can't guarantee anyone will ever love you back in the way you need to be loved. Love is always a choice, made freely by people and by fate. But I can guarantee that the love you choose to give freely, returns to you freely to live inside your heart. As love lives, so you live in love. For in the love you give to others, lies the seed of heaven. The hell of loneliness you once felt gradually fades away into the past .Love has the power to transform hell into heaven.
If you don't understand any of this, then you are lucky, because you have not experienced the hell of loneliness, and so do not understand its language. Perhaps you live surrounded by love - or perhaps you feel you do not need love. But if you do understand the hell of loneliness, then know you are not alone. I know it may seem no one cares, but I care. That is why I write this for you. To let you know that you are not as alone as you may believe. And you need not envy those who never seem to have been lonely, for you are lucky too.
Yes, you are lucky too, even though you may not see it now. You are lucky because you have the chance to be stronger than others, for true strength is born from the ability to accept and overcome weakness. You have the chance to not fear death, for those who have been to hell no longer fear death. The chance to know how to love, for those who have never been loved have no choice but to love others - or die. The chance to always carry and feel love inside your heart, for that is the beginning and ending place of all love. To be a true survivor, for only those who have suffered can be said to have survived, and it is only the survivors who can become the true leaders. It is you who are lucky,because you have the chance to gain the power to transform hell into heaven, for only those who have been to hell can transform it into heaven.
I felt as if my life had no real value to anyone, and thus no value for myself. For me, this was worse than "death", because death seems a relief from loneliness. After death, I thought, there is probably nothing - and nothing is at least less painful than loneliness. For the tears of loneliness are one of the most painful experiences I have ever felt in my life. They are not tears of the body, but those of the soul.I wondered, why live when it seems so much easier to be dead? To be born into the world with so many people, and all your life feel alone.The present and the future seemed to stretch out into one long eternity. To tell you the truth, I did think of ending my life. But my heart told me, "That is against the law of nature." Were I to end my life, I think I would have only been creating more suffering for myself in the next life. But if an angel had come in those dark times and asked me if I wanted to leave this world, I would have gladly gone with her.
And that is how I knew I was in hell. If heaven is the place where you never want to leave, then hell must be the place where you always wantto leave but can't. The place worse than death. And for me, loneliness is such a place, and it is one such a hell. Always wanting to leave,but not knowing how, seeing no way out, and no one to save you. And this hell was inside me, and I carried it everywhere I went, all the time, unable to be free. If only an angel would come and deliver me, for I did not know how to deliver myself.
But such an angel never came. Nobody came. Nobody came to save me.Nobody came to understand. The only person in the world, it seemed, was me. I was all alone, as it had always been, and seemed it always would be.
And in this darkness, I saw the only way out into the light… love. Love can save you. Love is the only way out of hell. Not someone loving you,because you can never expect anybody to love you. But you loving someone else. If no one loves you, at least you can love someone else.Love, without expecting love in return. There are others who are suffering in the hell of loneliness - love them so they need not suffer as you have suffered. Live so that others need not experience the hell you have experienced. A gentle eye, a kind word, a helping hand, a patient ear, a generous smile… these are the free acts of love you can give to ease the suffering of others. These acts of love take away loneliness - both their loneliness and yours. And they add to love -both theirs and yours.
I can't guarantee anyone will ever love you back in the way you need to be loved. Love is always a choice, made freely by people and by fate. But I can guarantee that the love you choose to give freely, returns to you freely to live inside your heart. As love lives, so you live in love. For in the love you give to others, lies the seed of heaven. The hell of loneliness you once felt gradually fades away into the past .Love has the power to transform hell into heaven.
If you don't understand any of this, then you are lucky, because you have not experienced the hell of loneliness, and so do not understand its language. Perhaps you live surrounded by love - or perhaps you feel you do not need love. But if you do understand the hell of loneliness, then know you are not alone. I know it may seem no one cares, but I care. That is why I write this for you. To let you know that you are not as alone as you may believe. And you need not envy those who never seem to have been lonely, for you are lucky too.
Yes, you are lucky too, even though you may not see it now. You are lucky because you have the chance to be stronger than others, for true strength is born from the ability to accept and overcome weakness. You have the chance to not fear death, for those who have been to hell no longer fear death. The chance to know how to love, for those who have never been loved have no choice but to love others - or die. The chance to always carry and feel love inside your heart, for that is the beginning and ending place of all love. To be a true survivor, for only those who have suffered can be said to have survived, and it is only the survivors who can become the true leaders. It is you who are lucky,because you have the chance to gain the power to transform hell into heaven, for only those who have been to hell can transform it into heaven.
Posted by
Ryuji Shimizu
comments (0)
-30 January 2010-
Holy crap ! I was 4 days late for the blog haha XD .. Too lazy to blog lei ...Then my friends keep urged me to update my post haha . And so here's the latest post lo .
So yeah , I went for 2nd outings with Susu and Mono again . This time Qiqi joined our outing . Was pretty fun .
But it's tiring . haha . Thanks to Mono ( you know what happened , haha) . I woke up at 7.30 a.m because the pain of my finger woke me up . Oh yea , I never mentioned about it yet . I was involved in an accident ! Hah , don't worry , it's just a small accident . I know you all want me hurt that badly ..Hmmpph .. But too bad , I only injured my finger . Lol . Haha.
Back to the story , Woke up at 7.30 am , then then went to fetch Susu together for our adventure haha . We totally don't know which directions that we should take . We only went based on the paper that I have written >.< . Luckily , we got the right direction ! HAH ! How pro am I ! Ya, Only me , Susu you shoo! Hng ..
But we got lost at the middle of the road , haha but at the end we still managed to find Mono's house =____= . You have no idea , how DEEP is her house . lol . If you ask me to go her house once again , I sure forgot the way to go her house again lol . We reached there around 10.30 am . And so I called her , and she just woke up . Haha , really kns . She'll pay for that =) .
We waited for her to prepare everything . While waiting, suddenly a police car approached us , then checked our I/C and my license lol . It was my first time o.o" . Funny , the police asked for my P license , but I gave him L license , almost got saman haha XD . Then I had a short conversation with the police lol . They're just doing their job to prove that they are not lazying around .
And yea , we continued to wait . Finally !! We went to Kepong with Mono's car . Haha, She drove ! No , I don't wanna drive lol XD . Let her practice lo .RAWR .Reached at Jusco around 12 pm? After that , Qiqi came and so we begin our activities !! We bought our ticket first . Haunted University =___= . I'll tell how's the movie later . It was 18+ , so we ought to show our I/C lo , and that stupid Mono !!! She left her I/C at her car haha , 20 years old with small body , No one is gonna believe that she is 18+ unless she showed her IC .Haha okay ,now she got her I/C and then we showed to the cashier there , then I told them , "She's the oldest among us lei , Don't see her small small nia LOL"
Mono was pinched by me very badly to pay back us for waiting her lol . Qiqi was a little bit quiet. Maybe she's not used to us lo .She was pinched by me too hahaha . Susu molested by me , Yahahah . Bully programmes succeeded! But I was bullied by them too =.=" . Haha . We went for arcade and we had fun . Actually only Susu and I had fun =.=" . Mono and qiqi dont wanna play . Qiqi looked bored . lol.
Oh ya , always lose to Susu . Faint .
Then we went for movie lo! Totally don't understand the movie . It was comedy for me , instead of a horror movie =.=" . Laughed for whole movie . Faint . But it was fun to scare Mono and susu hahaha !!! After the movie , we went for cc . Not a good idea =.=" . Mono and Qiqi totally doing nothing there !! I mean , they were not having fun lo . Qiqi =.=" . Macam moody for whole day . Faint .
After that , we went back lo ...RAWR . We sent qiqi home first then we had our journery back home too .
Mono drove again XD . Darn , she went to the wrong road . It was Thaipusam that day , she went to the congested Batu Caves there . Omg , jammed till no eye see . We were stucked at there for 2 hours . LOL . Kns mono !!! But nvm la , we had fun also what . We had a very long conversations !! haha XD .
Reached at 10 pm =____= . So late and starving . Don't care anymore , I dragged Susu and Mono go for KFC LOL . haha . They ate spicy one . I don't really like the spicy one . Don't ask me why , I don't know . Maybe I don't like spicy . haha . Fuu . Forgot take picture . XD . Susu's starving face , Mono's baka face while eating chicken lalala XD . Thanks for caring also haha . Brought me to clinic , because finger really pain dao beh tahan . But closed , thanks anyways haha XD . Good friends lol.
And so , our gathering ended here lo . Looking forward for other hang out haha . Love to hang out with you all . Luckily rain stopped when Susu and I back haha XD . As always , Susu hugged me so tight . KYAAA XD . But he gradually get used to it already haha. Not so scared anymore hahaha .
Ok la stopped here . So long nia >.< . Must be tiring to read. MORE tiring to blog lei LOL ..
